I don’t believe in anthropogenic global warming, because there’s no way that six billion people burning millions of years of sequestered carbon could possibly affect the atmosphere of the planet in any measurable way.

I don’t believe in anthropogenic global warming because I don’t like the arrogant certainty of these scientists with their facts and analyses. The world is more complicated than facts. And anyway, you know who else liked science? Hitler! And Stalin!

I don’t believe in anthropogenic global warming because, anyway, I read this article by this one guy who didn’t believe in it. And he was a scientist! So, you see, there’s no consensus: the jury’s still out.

I don’t believe in anthropogenic global warming because that hockey stick graph was fiddled. And if that graph was wrong, it logically follows that everything else connected with climate change is wrong.

I don’t believe in anthropogenic global warming because in the 1970s everyone was worried about a new ice age. These scientists can’t even make their minds up!

I don’t believe in anthropogenic global warming because it’s actually colder this winter than last winter. Some global warming that is!

I don’t believe in anthropogenic global warming because Jeremy Clarkson said it’s rubbish. Sure, on the one hand you’ve got an overwhelming majority of climatologists saying that it’s real, but, on the other hand, he’s a celebrity. That’s got to count for a lot, right? Plus, he’s telling me exactly what I want to hear.

I don’t believe in anthropogenic global warming because I read some leaked emails in which climate scientists were rude about people who don’t believe their findings. Therefore, everything they conclude is suspect.

I don’t believe in anthropogenic global warming because it’s obviously some secret deal by the global élite to give them an excuse to kill millions of people. What do you mean, why would they want to do that? I’m not the one with the crazy ideas!

I don’t believe in anthropogenic global warming because I like driving my car between my suburban home and the out-of-town supermarket. It reinforces my sense of manly purpose. I also enjoy taking cheap flights to southern Europe on holiday. I can’t believe in any future in which these things aren’t God-given rights.

I don’t believe in anthropogenic global warming because fuck you, I’ll be dead by the time Bangladesh is under water, and I won’t have to live in the desertified planet my selfish and blinkered choices leave behind.