Voting for the Tories again, yeah?

Before you go and cast your vote for the donkey in the blue rosette, just like always, please think about what you’re voting for.

Why are they called the Conservatives? What are they conserving? At the moment, it’s not economic stability, or the value of Sterling, or the environment, or a functioning NHS, or civil liberties.

As Prime Minister, you’ll get Theresa May, a dangerous authoritarian whose ability to play a human is so unconvincing that she has to be kept out of the public eye, and who now appears only in pre-recorded hostage-style videos. She promises to ban encryption and take away human rights in the name of security. She had six years as Home Secretary and one as PM, but is always promising that just one more hit to civil liberties will be the charm. It’s not terrorists that hate our freedoms, it’s Theresa May.

With a convert’s zeal, she has committed to the most disruptive and costly Brexit possible, estranging the UK from Europe and driving it towards Trump’s dangerous and unpredictable regime.

She made it hard for non-EU spouses to join their families, unless they’re rich. Now, she proposes to make it harder for any foreign spouse, unless they’re even richer. If you vote Tory, don’t fall in love with a foreigner.

Jeremy (enunciate it very carefully) Hunt will continue to damage the NHS. Is he just incompetent, or is he actively evil and wants to run it into the ground so he can sell the parts to his mates? You decide. Either way, if you vote for another five years of Tory misrule, you’d better plan on not getting sick.

The preternaturally ignorant David Davis will continue to learn the basics of how the European Union works on the job, and will continue to be inadequate to the task placed before him.

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson will continue to play the clown, offending allies at a time when the UK needs them, and batting away questions with casual racism and Latin quotes. Quidquid Latine dictum sit altum videtur.

So what’s the alternative? Vote tactically to deprive the Conservatives of their majority.

Reckon Corbyn would destroy the economy? Have you seen what the Conservatives have achieved in the past year? Even JP Morgan think the pound’s prospects would be better off under a centre-left coalition.

Any increase in taxation and borrowing is inconsequential when compared against the economic damage of Brexit. Labour has a competent team in Keir Starmer and Emily Thornberry, who wouldn’t be tied by May’s rash statements. The Conservatives have already alienated Europeans (most recently, with Theresa May’s bizarre claims that the EU is interfering in the general election). It’s hard to believe that Davis, Fox and Johnson would do a competent job based on what they’ve done so far. Brexit is a bad idea, but the Tory kamikaze Brexit is the worst idea of all. If you vote for the Tories to negotiate Brexit, don’t forget to stock up on food in March 2019. In fact, stock up now, before the falling pound drives up inflation further.

Theresa May and her coterie of headbanging Brexiteers are a menace to you and your family. Kick them out.