Whilst waiting for some friends at the Tube station, one of Transport for London’s numerous leaflets, entitled ‘Don’t let Winter disrupt your daily cycle’, caught my eye.

The gist of it is that cycle commuters should continue to do so, even in this especially inclement time of year—and by Jupiter’s beard, it’s cold this year. To encourage them, TfL give some helpful tips, ranging from the bleeding obvious to the patronisingly obvious:

Rain: On average, London’s commuters get wet just 12 times a year. Remember a fold-up jacket in your bag and look out for puddles.

What’s that? Puddles are wet? Avoiding them will help me to avoid getting wet? Thanks for that helpful information!

Headgear: A thin ski hat or balaclava worn under your helmet will keep your head warm.

A hat’s a good idea, but wearing a balaclava in the current political climate seems highly likely to get you shot. Seven times. In the head. At point blank range.

Cold: Cycling is great exercise so you’ll soon warm up, but take care of your fingers and toes with good gloves and socks.

Does anyone really need telling that gloves would solve their cold hands problem?

High Winds: Most bikes have enough gears to get up mountains, never mind upwind. Think positive: you’ll have the wind behind you on the way back.

How patronising. I suppose they’ll be telling us that London Underground’s perennially-broken escalators are good exercise next.